There are moments in everyone's life that can be coined as "deciding." A moment so influencial it tore apart the seams of reality and opened a new one.
Most will say that sense of smell is what people use to relate to memories but I don't believe that. There are noises, sounds and music in my head that take me back to specific points in my life and I can give you almost every little detail of that day.
Who I am today is very closely related to the noises that bounced off the sides of my head when I was a developing human being. The first time I ever listened to Depeche Mode, Garbage, Marilyn Manson and Danzig it errupted into a new beginning in my life.
Being a 5th grader barely tells a story of you are, however; it can tell you deep down who you may become. In 1995/96 I started buying my first CDs. I heard "Barrel of a Gun" by Depeche Mode which led me to waste all my paychecks on future Depeche Mode albums. I was stricken with disbelief by the sound. It may not seem all that original now but at the time, I'd never heard anything like it. I grew up listening to my mom's doo-wop 45's and to Michael Jackson (I still do these things to this day but don't tell anyone). Something about Dave Gahan's gruff voice on that track mixed with synthesizers hit me like nothing had before. I craved more. Although U2's "Pop" was technically the first CD I ever owned (Discotheque was a badass song), Depeche Mode's "Ultra" became a staple in my life as the 2nd CD I ever acquired.
I was so excited listening to CDs for the first time in my life. Everything else I owned was on cassette and my Playstation became my first CD player. I fell asleep to the abstract background screensavers of the PS while being wooed to sleep by Depeche Mode tracks like "Home," "Sister of Night," and "Lovethieves." I slept maybe two to three hours a night and never seemed like I lost sleep. May have been the Prozac I started taking in elementary school but I'm going to have faith and say it was because of Depeche Mode.
Same 5th grade year is when I got my first musical boner and it was for Shirley Manson. Songs like Stupid Girl and Only Happy When it Rains owned the airwaves at the time and deservedly so. Mainstream industrial was taking over and bands like Stabbing Westward, Gravity Kills and Filter were breaking out. Luckily, mainstream industrial was given a pretty face with Shirley Manson. To this day Garbage's self-titled debut remains in my top 5 albums of all time. Tracks like Supervixen, Queer and Milk still get stuck in my head out of the blue. They remain with me. Psychologically, Freud might say tracks like Supervixen made me into the pervert I am today. He may be right but I'm okay with that.
In October of 1996 I purchased two albums which became a pinnacle in my life. On the same day at Sound Warehouse (anyone remember that place) I purchased Marilyn Manson's "Antichrist Svperstar" and Danzig's "Blackacidevil." My mom thought I wanted to go to hell but truthfully I found heaven that day. I say this was a pinnacle in my life because sadly I have never found a better album than Antichrist Superstar. Even though Blackacidevil was the least popular of the Danzig albums and what many believe to be a downfall for Danzig it was and still is one the best things I've ever heard.
You can do anything to Antichrist Superstar, it was a theme of themes. You could kill yourself, kill Mom and Dad, or Kill God. I've warmed up for sports to it, I fuck to it, I've cut myself to it and it also showed me that I was my own wicked god to choose whatever path I want. Musically, it's loud, in your face, destructive without regret and every bit as beautiful in sinful ways. I can't say enough metaphors about this CD.
Blackacidevil was a sleazy, sexy fusion of Glenn's dark vocals and devilish lyrics. Songs like "Serpentia" and "Come to Silver" still give me chills to this day. This album led me to all the other Danzig CDs which I still rock out to. Someone asked me at a Danzig concert "what has the devil ever done for you" and I replied "he gave me really good music." I was referring to "Blackacidevil" when I said it.
Although those days are over and I've become an adult, I would still not be the adult I am today without these albums. They helped me form parts of my personality and helped me to realize not just what I am now but what I want to become.
With Danzig getting older, Manson's fame fading out, and Garbage breaking up I'm in a new transformation of my life. Since every life needs a soundtrack I've found myself in the era of Combichrist, Razorblade Dolls, Rammstein and many others that just don't stop for anyone.
If I ever go deaf, I'll kill myself. I can not live without the sounds that have kept me alive all these years.
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