Ego-testical

What does it mean to be a man anymore? Is my car sporty enough? Do I have the biggest balls? Most money? Hottest gal? Maybe the coolest job.

I want to be the modern man. The one who has feelings without forfeiting his moxy. A guy who could kick your ass but not get his hair messed up in the process. There is so much pressure from an early age on to be the "man" of the house and take control.

I want to make enough money to support myself and those around me. I'm not alone in thinking this way and sadly I know I'm one of many who believes a lot of their self-worth stems from their cash flow. It's driven into us at an early age; be successful, be rich and the rest will take care of itself. I wish it was that simple.

Men don't just get muscles and bring home the bacon anymore which is great. I love the dual society of breadmakers, yet the social stigma hasn't gone away. Maybe it's in our genetics. The hunter, provider, the protector. I don't mind a woman paying for me once in a while but in the end I want to be able to pay for everything for everyone. Because of this engrained stigma I'm not sure I can just let go not being able to do that right now.

Aside from that, I need to be every fantasy and every sexual thought of my lover. I don't want to think that there may be some sort of remote attraction for anyone else. I know deep down it's ridiculous but my penis, fingers and tongue need to be able to do the trick. Although I have confidence in these qualities it still fries my nerves to hear someone like my girlfriend think Robert Downey Jr is hot. I know it's silly and jealous but that's how I'm wired. I may not be iron man but I want to be the best flesh for her.

Sex and work go hand in hand for guys. For the most part, if you tell a guy you love what he does he will fuck you or at least want to. I need to feel admired and what better way to feel admired than for a woman to tell you "I love your work." It's like a civic duty to have sex with them after that. Men need to feel praised for their accomplishments. If a guy is a garbageman tell him he's the best trash picker upper this goddamn planet has to offer. That compliment is no different from the smile a woman gets after reading my work, it has the same effect. Sex and work are very similar in many ways. People doing things for and to each other to feel good, feel better and at the end of the day feel accompished.

Besides money and sex I want to be every emotional support I can be for the one I love. If I'm not the dick inside her I want to be the shoulder she can cry on. A heart, an ear, an encouraging embrace, the look in the eye that tells you it will be okay. All these things and more make us the modern man. The multi-dimensional, faceted, personality man with a face for all occasions.

I'm old-fashioned personally. I like pulling out chairs for ladies, helping them with their coat, listening and paying for the evening. It doesn't always work out that way but it's what I strive for.

So yes, I want to be a strong, wealthy, healthy, emotional but not too emotional, libido god who has time to shop for makeup. Having said that, I know why any man might want to be on an anti-depressant. It's so hard to live up to all of those things. Men are simple creatures usually. Women can just show up and impress us. Meanwhile, I work my ass off to try and be everything and more not just because I want to but because you deserve it.

I hurt and I struggle trying to please the stereotype of what modern man should be. Please cut us some slack if money is tight, if I'm emotionally unavailable too or if my dick isn't coming out to play. Sometimes we're so busy mindfucking ourselves we impregnate our brains with standards we don't think we can live up to. Just know our love is there even when we may not be.

Thanks for reading,
Grant V. Ziegler

Inner Thought of a Retail Worker

5:00PM (just getting to work)

"Ok, I can do this. Just 6 hours"

5:30PM (the assignment)
"Why the fuck does my manager want me to do this?"

5:45PM (task accomplished?)

"Fuck it, that's good enough."

6:30PM (the Busy Streak)

"Why the fuck are there so many people in my store and why are they all god awfully fat?"

6:35PM (the realization)

"Good lord these people really are huge!"

7:00PM (end of the Busy Streak)

"I guess this is the type of weather that drives fat people off their fat asses and into my store."

7:15PM (Catching Up)

"Now that the fat people have exited I can do my projects. Irony is my project is to stock candy which only encourages the fatness to ensue."

7:45PM (Stalking)

"I know that douche is going to steal something. He needs to back the hell away from the USB drives soon. I will chase and murder this dude if our alarm goes off on him. I swear to god today will be the day I get fired."

8:00PM (Silence)

"So the alarm didn't go off. I guess he can live another day"

8:30-9:30PM (What now?)

"Finished all my projects so now I'm going to bull shit with my co-workers. GODDAMN KIDS FUCKING UP MY CANDY DISPLAY!!!"

10:00PM (the replanting)

"Freshly stocked Ring Pops and Gobstoppers for more children and fat fucks to consume. Hooray for sugar. I remember when I gave my fiance in kindergarten a ring pop as an engagement ring and then I took back from her when she broke my red crayon. You do not fuck with a man's Red Ninja Turtle Crayon."

10:30PM (Anxiousness)

"30 more fucking minutes! This clock is slower than those fat people from earlier. Why can't fat people eat time and make it go by faster?"

11:00PM (Closing Time)

"Must snipe the asshole in the SUV! Must lock door before he gets inside, we are closed motherfucker!

11:01Pm (Sighs of Relief)

"YES! I beat that smug asshole to the door. What a dick for even trying that shit"

11:10PM (Locking up)

"I really don't want to do a bag check on this girl. Her purse smells like odor of old whore and cigarettes. I don't care if she is stealing just so long as I don't have to smell her baggage o' Whorehouse"

11:15pm (the Greeting)

Girlfriend says "Hey, honey how was your night?"

I say "oh the usual, not so bad. I'm hungry"

Women and Children Last

Before anyone gets irritated with me please note "Women and Children Last" is the title for the new Murderdolls CD which just so happens to be what I'm reviewing, right here and right now.

It's great to see Joey Jordison and Wednesday 13 back doing things that don't suck. For those of you who don't know me very well, I hate the music of Slipknot. As for Wednesday, he went off and did some crappy project called Gunfire 76. It was terrible. I've been a fan of W13 from Frankenstein's Drag Queens all the way through Bourbon Crow, however his new stuff irritated me. Please believe me when I say it's a relief to see JJ and W13 together again.

Last they left off, they supposedly hated each other and had some school girl quarrel over rights to music from the previous Murderdolls CD and so on. All money related bullshit. Luckily for us music lovers they've seemed to bury the hatchet both metaphorically and literally.

"Women and Children Last" is a full-frontal bloody assault on the eardrums. It could easily be mistaken as B-sides from Wednesday's last album "Skeletons" but that's not a bad thing. "Skeletons" is a great album. Also, W13 has gone through a slew of guitarists as a solo act. With this album Joey Jordison proved himself as an worthy guitarist. His guitar work was good on the first Murderdolls CD "Beyond the Valley of the Murderdolls" but it didn't convey the great guitarist staple. This album more than nailed that.

For fans of the first album though, don't expect another glam, punk, horror humor themed album. Much like W13's recent work, it goes far away from the Vincent Price influenced sense of humor and takes on a much more serious metal tone. Right off the bat you hear a song called "Chapel of Blood" and it's pure metal through and through. Alice Cooper like vocals meshed with Motley Crue guitar work fuse this album into an automatic homage to prior rock n roll kings. They portray their heroes well and do the rock n roll community justice.

The lead single for this album is "My Dark Place Alone." Although it's a good track, it doesn't truly show the albums potential. With songs like "Drug Me to Hell" and "Bored till Death" they could have easily won over some Murderdoll/W13 fans who may have been on the fence about buying the new album. So here I am to tell you, that W13 and JJ are fucking back.

This album is ruthless and will leave you toothless. A bloody good time to be had by all. You'll want to lose your voice, punch your friends in the face and smile as they punch you back.

This album gets 4 and 1/2 Devil horns out of a possible 5.