Ego-testical

What does it mean to be a man anymore? Is my car sporty enough? Do I have the biggest balls? Most money? Hottest gal? Maybe the coolest job.

I want to be the modern man. The one who has feelings without forfeiting his moxy. A guy who could kick your ass but not get his hair messed up in the process. There is so much pressure from an early age on to be the "man" of the house and take control.

I want to make enough money to support myself and those around me. I'm not alone in thinking this way and sadly I know I'm one of many who believes a lot of their self-worth stems from their cash flow. It's driven into us at an early age; be successful, be rich and the rest will take care of itself. I wish it was that simple.

Men don't just get muscles and bring home the bacon anymore which is great. I love the dual society of breadmakers, yet the social stigma hasn't gone away. Maybe it's in our genetics. The hunter, provider, the protector. I don't mind a woman paying for me once in a while but in the end I want to be able to pay for everything for everyone. Because of this engrained stigma I'm not sure I can just let go not being able to do that right now.

Aside from that, I need to be every fantasy and every sexual thought of my lover. I don't want to think that there may be some sort of remote attraction for anyone else. I know deep down it's ridiculous but my penis, fingers and tongue need to be able to do the trick. Although I have confidence in these qualities it still fries my nerves to hear someone like my girlfriend think Robert Downey Jr is hot. I know it's silly and jealous but that's how I'm wired. I may not be iron man but I want to be the best flesh for her.

Sex and work go hand in hand for guys. For the most part, if you tell a guy you love what he does he will fuck you or at least want to. I need to feel admired and what better way to feel admired than for a woman to tell you "I love your work." It's like a civic duty to have sex with them after that. Men need to feel praised for their accomplishments. If a guy is a garbageman tell him he's the best trash picker upper this goddamn planet has to offer. That compliment is no different from the smile a woman gets after reading my work, it has the same effect. Sex and work are very similar in many ways. People doing things for and to each other to feel good, feel better and at the end of the day feel accompished.

Besides money and sex I want to be every emotional support I can be for the one I love. If I'm not the dick inside her I want to be the shoulder she can cry on. A heart, an ear, an encouraging embrace, the look in the eye that tells you it will be okay. All these things and more make us the modern man. The multi-dimensional, faceted, personality man with a face for all occasions.

I'm old-fashioned personally. I like pulling out chairs for ladies, helping them with their coat, listening and paying for the evening. It doesn't always work out that way but it's what I strive for.

So yes, I want to be a strong, wealthy, healthy, emotional but not too emotional, libido god who has time to shop for makeup. Having said that, I know why any man might want to be on an anti-depressant. It's so hard to live up to all of those things. Men are simple creatures usually. Women can just show up and impress us. Meanwhile, I work my ass off to try and be everything and more not just because I want to but because you deserve it.

I hurt and I struggle trying to please the stereotype of what modern man should be. Please cut us some slack if money is tight, if I'm emotionally unavailable too or if my dick isn't coming out to play. Sometimes we're so busy mindfucking ourselves we impregnate our brains with standards we don't think we can live up to. Just know our love is there even when we may not be.

Thanks for reading,
Grant V. Ziegler