Unedited Interview With Andy Laplegua from Combichrist

DISCLAIMER: This interview has no affiliation with the interview done for The News Register or http://www.newsregisteronline.com/





August 22nd 2010 - I took what seemed like the longest elevator ride of my life getting to Andy's hotel room. I'm not going to lie, I was nervous as hell. My breath quavered as I went over all the things that could go wrong. I get to his room and he anxiously greets me with a handshake and a "c'mon in big daddy." At this point my anxiety wears off.



I take a seat next to his bed as Andy prepares his DJ equipment with local scene icon DJ Virus. They're both spinning at the Church/Lizard Lounge tonight.



After many concerned looks from Andy at his laptop he says "shit, I think I broke it," which was followed by a laugh.



He got his equipment fixed as Joe Virus listened in awe to previews of what Andy was playing tonight. DJ Virus is an excellent DJ and to see his astonishment with Andy's methods was something I didn't expect.



At this point Andy sat at a desk across from me and the interview began.





Andy: You'll have to excuse me, I literally just got back from the airport coming from Denver

GZ: You're cool, how was Denver?

Andy: It was fun, it's cool, yea that's about it (laughs)



GZ: How does it feel to be back in the U.S. after the Euro-tour



Andy: Good, I've been missing it because we've been doing nothing but European dates since October, so almost a year now. It's nice to be back on, now what I call my homeground. I'm looking forward to doing shows here again.



GZ: How do prepare differently for shows here in the States as opposed to in Europe. I saw you at Granada Theater where there's maybe 4 or 5 hundred people as opposed to Rammstein where you're playing for 30,000? How does that affect you?



Andy: It's like comparing making love and having sex. Same thing but two totally different things and one isn't necessarily better than the other. Both are great in totally different ways. It's just the feeling [of the show]. Sometimes I prefer to play the venue shows, like the 5 or 6 hundred because it's so much more intimate. But the preparation is the same. Except for when you're playing the big shows there's like a million people running everything and there's no fucking around. You're ready 10 minutes before the show behind the stage and literally on the second of when you're supposed to go on you go on. There's 120 people in the crew and it's a million dollar production everyday. 21 trucks, 13 night liners so you have to adjust to everyone else. You can't expect people to adjust to you when you're a part of something this huge. But if you're playing your own show no one really cares if you're a little late. If I want one more beer before I go on people will say ok.



GZ: Why do you think they get such bigger crowds in Europe than they do here? Is there a different appreciation for music over there?



Andy: I don't think that's the case. In regards to Rammstein they never focused on promoting here in the states and plus they sing German lyrics. They push really, really hard in Germany specifically and in Europe. So they're a mainstream band there. They're like Madonna here. It has nothing to do with music style. Like Metallica, they are Europe's Metallica. So it's not really any different they just happen to be bigger there because that's where the market is. Club shows and venue shows are very similar here and there. Obviously you have a lot more festivals in Europe but that's because it's more of a cultural thing. There's more of them and they happen more often in Europe so it's more of a festival culture there. Plus, I think people just like to go away for a week and get camped. They can get fucked up for a week and go and see bands.



GZ: Is tonight an actual CD release party or just a listening party



Andy: Hey Joe, you wanna answer this? Does this mean I have to play my own stuff tonight?



Joe: I'll play your stuff for you



Andy: I think it's mainly just to promote the new single [Never Surrender] but for me personally it's to just go out and just go to the cities I've been missing. Go out and hang out with the crowd because I miss being here in Dallas.



GZ: Well we miss you too



Andy: Awwww, it's so sentimental! I love you man! (laughs)



GZ: I love you too. Was there an overall theme for the new album or does that develope as the album comes along?



Andy: There are a couple of tracks on the album that are very Combichristy when it comes to like not taking things too seriously like with funny lyrics but overall, this album is more serious and personal than any of the other albums. Since I'm not writing anything for Panzer AG or Scandy anymore I felt I had more liberty to use elements from them that I normally would used on those projects



GZ: Making Monsters is being released barely a year after Today We are All Demons, do you think this might be too much too soon or do you think you're doing the right thing?



Andy: I never really think about that because I never really cared. It's the right time for me to do this and I had this in me. The last thing I'm going to think about when doing this is marketing. For my sake it's music and I'm doing what I want to and I'm going to do it when I feel like it's right.



GZ: Why is Never Surrender the lead single off of Making Monsters?


Andy: I was impartial about which one would be the single and my management picked it out. I had so much conflict with myself because I wasn't sure which song I wanted to use that would represent this album overall. They [management] said "why not Never Surrender?" I thought about it and it kind of had every element of the album in it. The lyrics embodied the overall album with what I was going through and how I was feeling at the time so it ended up being a good decision. Initially, it was not my idea but I'm glad it came out this way.



GZ: The lead singer of Bleeding Through [Brandan Schieppati] does guest vocals on "Follow the Trail of Blood," what made you decide to do a song with him?



Andy: We have a similar background, we both come from the punk rock and hardcore scene. We're friends and I thought it would be cool to collaborate with him. I really dig what they're doing. Every time I listen to them, every time I see them, every time I go to hang out with them I always get flashbacks of when I used to go out to all the hardcore and metal shows when I was a kid. It brought a lot of energy and good memories back to me. I wanted to see where we could go with that for that track.



GZ: How do you juggle all the projects you have?



Andy: It used to be no problem because I had time for everything. I don't really do anything else but Combichrist right now aside from Scandinavian Cock which is my punk-rock n roll band. It has everything from punk rock to even southern rock and straight ACDC rock n roll. I don't want to call Scandinavian Cock a project, it's a band. It's 5 guys who get together and jam and play rock n roll. It's something that I miss doing. It's 5 guys with instruments who play them. You don't have to sit down and produce anything. I can only do this when I'm home though. The EP for Scandinavian Cock will be out soon too. I'll take it as it comes and hope to do more of it.

Everything else is basically scrapped or put on ice. Icon of Coil hasn't existed for 6 years. We've done a couple of shows here and there but we haven't written anything. We just use it as an excuse to get together every now and then and party. Panzer AG, I haven't written anything for in a while. I think we'll do a couple more shows but those will be the last ones we'll do for Panzer. Scandy is done, finished. That's what I meant earlier when I said I had more freedom to do this album because I could use more of my other inspirations and put into Combichrist and make it even more variated and evolve even further. I don't really have to juggle anything anymore which is nice. I'm just too busy with Combichrist.



GZ: Do you have any intentions of doing a cover? Putting a Combichrist twist on any classics or anything?



Andy: I was thinking about doing some ABBA covers.



Grant: I don't know if I should take you seriously on this one or not.



Andy: I'm not sure, we've been talking about doing 3 or 4 of them and doing them live as we feel like it. So far we haven't had the time to but we've been thinking about it.



Grant: Will there be a live CD at some point?



Andy: I'm not going to say no but personally I'm not a big fan of live CDs. There's something about being in a room and seeing a band live that you can not translate to audio. I see Combichrist as two different parts, the studio part and the live part. They're two totally different experiences. Feels and sounds different and I kinda want to keep it that way. I don't think anyone is able to create that feeling on CD. Maybe a DVD because at least you get the visual of it.



GZ: For me, I've seen you live and I can conjure you live on stage doing what you do. For instance "this shit will fuck you up" is dramatically different live than it is on CD. As soon as I hear it live I immediately want to get up and break shit.



Andy: (laughs) Right, if we do one I don't want to make a big deal out of it. I'd rather do this CD for the people who haven't seen us live because if you have seen us live there's always something that can bring you back to a place because you have that in you already or you've done it before. It's refreshing and you have a personal connection to it. It's not something I'd like to push towards people who don't know Combichrist.



GZ: I first saw you when you were opening for the Genitorturers, how did you evolve from a 2-man group into the 4 member, sometimes 5 group you are today?



Andy: We evolved with our music. Natural progress with the band. I'd say I want more of this or more of that I want to do this and I want to do that but I needed other people. Right now, it's only me in the studio and the band comes when Combichrist is live. It evolved into a band rather than just me. We're not just an electronic band anymore, we wouldn't be able to get our sound out there with just one or two people on stage.

GZ: Do you think you'll ever do a song in your native song (Norwegian) for Combichrist

Andy: If I feel that it's natural to do it then yes but when I don't feel it's necessary there is no point to push it.

GZ: How about one Spanish?

Andy: Let me get some Spanish lessons first and we'll talk (laughs)

GZ: Does the music or the lyrics come first for you

Andy: Both, it depends on the song. For Combichrist it's been mainly the music element first because the music is the main focus. On Making Monsters I did a lot of the lyrics up front because there were a lot of things closer to my heart that I wanted to write.

GZ: I know a lot of your music is influenced by certain movies, how did you translate those movies into your music? This is My Rifle based off of Full Metal Jacket and Blut Royale being a spin off of Battle Royale

Andy: That's a good question, I just had it in the back of my head as I'm doing it. It's kind of like "how do you paint a feeling" or "what color is greed?" There's no easy answer for it, it's just what reminds you of it at the time. It all gets back to personal preferences in art.

GZ: Combichrist has a dark theme going with Guns, Monsters, and Demons; do you think industrial focuses on the macabre and the darker aspects of the world?

Andy: I don't think it's necessarily dark, I think it's an outlet for people. For myself it's an outlet and I'm a very positive person. Having a channel for your frustrations is a good thing. It allows you to live your life positively. I think it's the same thing for a lot of people listening to this music. They get through certain issues and problems in their life. For me, I can be listening to something ridicously aggressive and I just get this happy feeling. There's just so much power in it and it gets me going. It's just something that fuels you with energy. It's therapeutic, just like driving your car aggressively. You don't have to be pissed off to do it, you just get that adrenaline going.

GZ: Do you think industrial can ever be "mainstream" again?

Andy: I think mainstream is a very relative term. It's really about if people pick it up and they like it and the majority of people like it becomes mainstream. Slipknot is mainstream and they're more brutal than a lot of underground bands. If people like it, I don't think it will be the genre that becomes mainstream but just that band will be. Like Nine Inch Nails for example, they're mainstream but it didn't make industrial mainstream just NIN mainstream. Even country music, a lot of it is mainstream but there's still some really gritty and dirty country out there that's underground.

GZ: Mentioning your love for films earlier, do you think you'll ever do the acting switch over?

Andy: Funny you ask that

GZ: Should I que the porno music

Andy: (laughs) I'm doing a movie right now that's coming soon it's called Gangbus 14.

GZ: (laughs) Joe Virus was in Gangbus 13 wasn't he

Joe: NO! (laughs)

Andy: Seriously though I would really like to do the movie thing. I did theatre in school but I hate theatrical stuff because it's so over the top. It's not something I'd ever do as a career. I'd like to do it just for the experience and have fun doing it.

GZ: I really like your "Can't Change the Beat" shirt which parodies the Barack Obama theme, do you have any political views

Andy: I don't have political views, I have personal views. It's impossible to go through life with out opinions of what goes on around you. I'm certainly happy it wasn't McCain who was elected but at the same time I'm conservative at times. I'm not a politician and I don't expect my politicians to be musicians. It needs to remain separated. If Obama would say "I really like this type of music" I would say "fine, listen to it but don't play it." Same with me, I can say my opinion but I'm not going to be the politician

GZ: Do you think you'll ever do an Andy-Fest and have Icon of Coil, Panzer AG and Combichrist play on the same night?

Andy: (laughs) Yeah with two pounds of meth to get through it all. We played with the thought of it just as a joke. It would be too tough. It would be even funnier if everyone involved played with their other projects too because it would be a festival of the same 5 people over and over.

GZ: What would you be doing with out music? Scary thought.

Andy: I can't imagine myself without music. It's not impossible but it's definitely strange. We'll see where I go when I have to cut down on touring.

GZ: Is there a pinnacle for you where you feel like you've done it all?

Andy: Is that a sexual question or a musical question?

GZ: However you want to take it.

Andy: Well then yes and yes. Seriously though not really. There's always something I want to do and I feel this way daily. I was say to myself I wish I had time to do this and that and even today I mentioned to Joe Virus that I wanted to do a classic jazz album. Like 1920's jazz. Stuff Portishead is based on. Blues based everything. I don't think I can listen to any music that I like without thinking man I should write an album in this genre. You never know, I might feel old one day and start doing acoustic guitar cello stuff.

GZ: Last question, in regards to one of your past albums; did you ever find out What the Fuck is Wrong with Us?

Andy: Good question but I have bad answers. I put it like this; I like people but I hate humanity. I prefer dogs over humans and I consider myself a dog.

Milf Moustache

Odd request I'm fulfilling here. My gay friend asked me at work why guys enjoy MILFS so much. So, Grant Ziegler, your proclaimed MILF expert is here to give all an insight as to why MILFS are so hot to guys my age. If you're a starter at this game I'll let you know that MILF stands Mother I'd Like to Fuck. We're not talking 14 year old hispanic mother types, we're talking "soccer, take my temperature, minivan, 35-50 year old" MILF.

This all started when a friend of mind at work noticed most of the moms (MILFS and not so much MILFS) that came into the store, flirted with me quite a bit. He even witnessed one of them spank me on the ass with a movie. Which believe it or not, isn't all that uncommon in my store. This is usually a monthly occasion for me. My friend is homosexual and inquired about why I would flirt back or be even remotely turned on by and I quote "women whose vaginas aren't located properly anymore due to childbirth." He doesn't have a DILF complex so this does require some explanation for him. Anyways, welcome to MILF 101.

First of all, experience. MILFS didn't become MILFS by saying "no." They, in most cases, know what they're doing and they do it well. Youthful enthusiasm combined with motherly know how can make for a very steamy night. Not calling MILFS sluts, they've just been around long enough to know what you want and know what they want. When both parties can be in agreement, electricity tends to happen. Secondly, in my encounters, MILFS don't play all the love games so many so called "hotties" like to play. I've witnessed men in clubs/bars give up their whole life savings on drinks for a girl who wouldn't even sleep with them. These "hotties" terrorize men by giving them just the little shred of hope to keep them hanging on by a thread so that they can manipulate guys into giving them what they want w/out having to give anything back.

Now MILFS on the other hand have shit to do. They don't play these games because they have somewhere to be in the morning. If you're worthy enough, a MILF will have you fucked and home by midnight because the MILF has an important meeting in the morning or has to get home to feed the little one(s). Play your cards right and don't be an asshole and chances are it will work out. A subnote to the above point is that many MILFS in this situation usually do not look for strings attached. They needed love one night and one night only and you don't have to come around anymore. No relationships, no worries of her child calling you "daddy" someday. This is a huge plus for guys because there is no pressure on us and we can perform better for you. We don't have to worry about a woman falling in love and then the guy having to get the fuck outta her apartment before she wakes up. It's agreed, it's just plain adult fun and nothing more.

Also, if a woman believes she won't see you again she may be more apt to try things with you that she was too afraid to try with someone she wanted to impress. Inhibitions are limited at times and who knows, she may want to be choked or she may want to choke you. That's just an example.

Honestly, you've never had a truly great night of wild sex until you're sent home with a fruit roll-up or a juice box. Maybe even a lunchable. I remember having a Wild Cherry Capri-Sun after a wild night with a mom I met at a Judas Priest concert. It was amazing. Great music, great sex, and I relived my childhood memories of great juicy snack drinks. I hadn't had a capri-sun in probably eight years up until that point. If you do actually stay the night with a MILF chances are you're staying with a good cook. You wake up after a great night of sex to the smell of whatever the local flavor is that morning. She is a mom, so the chances are good that she'll know how to cook something good for the both of you. True happiness to a man is having a good feeling in his pants and a good taste in his mouth. Sometimes those things occur at the same time. MILFS are good for both.

Alright, those were the easily noticable and physical reasons why men like MILFS. For psychology purposes, have fun with this explanation. Men always have some sort of infatuation with their moms. I'M NOT SAYING THEY WANT TO FUCK THEIR MOTHERS! I'm just saying, that most men find mom to be a security blanket and a place in their brain where they know they can to be okay. Men enjoy the being with an older woman because they find a comfort level in MILFS like they did with their mom. Whether it be a form of cuddling or mom bringing food to you when you're sick. It's just a mental state that make men feel comfortable. When men are comfortable, they can more easily obtain arousal. The touch of an older woman can trigger a part of the brain that reminds of them of mom. It may sound creepy or odd but it's true. Freud may have been crazy at times but he had good points that still hold true to this day. We've covered up the psychology part of MILFS so we can be attracted to the idea of it with out being intimidated by it.

But really, our MILF addiction is no different then Freud's theories aside from the fact guys don't want to fuck their moms, they want figures that remind them of their moms. So there you go everyone. MILFS are awesome for all the above reasons and more. I'm sure there are many more things others can add to this list. Personal experiences and reasons why MILFS are hot to them.

I'd love comments on this that agree or disagree with me and why. Hopefully this cleared the air for my MILF hating homo friend (JK Eric, I love you) and for any one else who was confused as to why men enjoy mommies the way we do. Sometimes, being called a motherfucker is a compliment :wink:

Sexually Induced Suicide

In light of what's been going on recently, I've noticed a lot of moronic corporations have come out of the woodworks to put in their two cents about the suicides being committed by homosexuals. I'm saddened and sickened by the coverage of it all and the misrepresentation its getting.

First of all, on AOL news I saw a link titled "why is suicide a rising trend in gay teens?" Apparently, those people didn't go to middle or high school. It sucks being a pre-teen or a teenager these days and it especially sucks if you're gay. (Please don't be offended by the word gay, understand I don't mean it offensively.)

Let's say everyday you wake up, you get dressed, you go to school and at school all you hear is "faggot, cocksucker, queer, queen, fag, rug-muncher, butt-pirate" etc. Let's hope that's all you have to endure but truthfully it won't be that simple. Next you deal with some piece of shit who "hates fags 'cuz the bible tells him to" and decides to kick your ass. Like any situation in school, it doesn't get handled properly and no one is punished for his crime. The next day that trend continues, you're ridiculed, picked on, beaten up and all of your self worth is destroyed. Eventually, you begin to believe those words and the bruises on your body. You go through a phase of self-hatred and realize that maybe you don't belong on earth much less with these people.

There you have it, it's that simple. I got beaten up in school for being a "fag" and I'm not even gay. You get to a point where all you want is for the beatings to stop. Counselors will talk to you but won't take action, teachers/principals didn't witness it so they won't do anything, police just write it off as school bullying and that's no big deal. You don't get your parents involved because they don't even know you're gay. You have no one, there isn't anyone there for you so you decide to kill yourself. It's easy and at least you don't have to deal with the torture anymore.

So AOL, does that answer your dumb fucking question?

Through out the ages there has always been one group or another that's targeted as a scapegoat and a punching bag and unfortunately gays have been that punching bag for far too long. Blacks were trampled on for centuries but I feel we've overcome that trend for the most part, Jews had a turn during WWII which nearly eradicated them; and through all of that gays were hated just as much then as they are now. I can't help but to ask why?

The first excuse/reason: Religion.

Tired of this BS. There is big difference between being Christian and being Christ-like. Christians say "kill everyone who doesn't believe what I believe" while people who are Christ-like accept everyone just like Jesus did and would still. If you believe in Jesus please be like him and accept all of those around you. Don't pray that gays "get better or cured," pray that their torment stops.


Secondly, I don't want to hear about how people who are gay don't pro-create. Who fucking cares? Clearly, what we need less of are people. We don't need more people to grow up and hate "fags" just because. I wish gay people could pro-create because they'd make better parents anyway. They would be more understanding and have more realistic guidelines and goals for their children.

And yes, let gays get married. If they want to be as miserable as straight people then just let them. It's not about black/white, gay/straight etc it's about being a human being and being given human rights.

I can go on and on about these ordeals and more but I will cut myself off and leave you with this:

Homosexuals are not given the quality of life straight people are. They never have been. They're ridiculed, tortured and have been denied their rights to a full life even before they realize they are gay. I hope that nobody's child ever has to go through the torment that gay people do. If they do, you will weep and beg the question "why, my child never did anything to anyone." Keep that in mind next time you decide to make a sign that says "fags sin." "All men are created equal" I don't recall their ever being an asterisk next to that line.

Join In The Chant

Join in the CHANT
By Grant V. Ziegler

Almost every object in the world makes a sound but it takes a special kind of talent to turn those objects into instruments. Bradley Bills, the singer and drummer of Chant, just happens to have that talent and hones it quite well. From conventional drum sets to trash cans and even satellite dishes, Bills makes everything he pounds on a delightful noise in one’s eardrum.
Consider Chant to be a tribal industrial version of the Blue Man Group that only required one person. Although there is a double digit number of drums on stage and a workload big enough for three drummers, Bills handles it all by himself.
Austin native Chant is set to release its second full length album on October 10 at the Church in Deep Ellum. Chant’s previous album That Which Divides garnered an underground following in the industrial scene which helped them land opening gigs for bands like My Life with the Thrill Kill Kult. Chant’s new album Strong Words for Strong People should start shedding light on why Chant should be headlining rather than opening from now on.
Strong Words for Strong People strikes our most primitive chords. Tribal beats, loud stomping thuds and a bit of synthesized sound engineering drives everyone in the club to get up and move. You can’t help it. You instantly want to slam things along side him.
This album is a perfect blend of rhythmically seducing tracks such as “Empty” and soul-grooving melodic tunes like “Need.” My favorite track is “Revolt.” I heard it live a few months ago and instantly fell in love with it. This song could easily be a new national anthem for those unsatisfied with the conditions of society.
The album isn’t just heavy and pounding though, there are deeply passionate tracks where you can easily hear Bradley Bills’ heart and soul on such as the title track. I could feel my breath quavering as I connected myself to the darkened tone of the track.
This album is a most own for fans of bands like Nine Inch Nails or Nitzer Ebb. Each copy of the CD is being sold with a unique and collectable poster. There are a total of nine different posters and each one represents one of the nine tracks on the album. If you’d like to have all nine you can buy a special edition version of the CD which will be sold at the release party. The posters are nicely handcrafted and will be an instant collector’s item.
Chant’s music is the best pounding in my head that I’ve ever felt. You’ve never experienced the true intensity of tribal drumming until you’ve seen what Bradley Bills of Chant can do on stage. I give this album four and a half out of five stars.

Much Nothing About Ado

It's the writer in me to stare at the blank screen and just hope something shows up. It's not here tonight, not with me. So what better thing to write about then saying you have nothing to write about.

I'm hurting. I ended my 16 month sobriety a couple weeks ago. I don't know what life is doing to me and I'm never sure which "me" will show up. The bubbly, joking guy in all black who looks way too goth to be smiling or the head phones on, glasses on, don't fucking talk to me asshole who wanders the halls of North Lake.

My lack of sleep, very connected to this twitching in my leg and in my stomach. Consider it restless leg syndrome of the soul. I feel overwhelmed, overworked, underpaid, underfucked.

I hate my body. I want to work out more but school and work just eat that time right up. I want to diet but my blood sugar collapses turning me useless and mean. I don't want to make excuses, I want to be successful and fight through the struggles.

I've ushered in a new life where my life is my own. It's scary. I work, I write, I play. I'm no longer following or waiting for others around me to form who I should be that day. I used to do that so I could guarantee someone would love me that day. Hide away my pains and my insecurities so this superman in black could rise up and destroy you all when you weren't looking. He's not home anymore.

I've abandoned my god emblem; Marilyn Manson. Although I never viewed him as a god, he was as close to a godlike figure I could have. I preached and practiced his words, lived by what I thought was his wisdom, used his hymnals in my places of worhip and gave all my money to his cause. I knew it would end one day, it had to. I still love Manson in some way, his music will always be the best to me and without his words I'd be dead.

Now it's just me and my head, it's empty; rattles around a lot. I'm in need of an influence, something greater to possess me and lead me somewhere greater. I was hoping that would be me and in the end it will be, I just need some help now. I don't want to drink, I don't want anti-depressants. I don't want to get more tats that way I'm not tempted to cut that particular flesh anymore.

I don't want to die, I'm just afraid I'm not living. I love the important people in my life, they deserve better than me. I use video games, hockey, stand-up comedy, cartoons and music to distract me from my reality. Just need to find a way out from underneath the covers that only thinly shield me from the world.

Maybe I'll invent the next hip thing, they'll turn me into an infomercial and I'll never have to work again. I'll come up with a garden hose that you shove up your ass that blows false self-esteem and energy up inside you. It will work for 3 weeks and give you the boost you need until one day you use the hose too much and you finally spew shit from your mouth literally. Just like many do every hour of every day, spew shit from their mouth. I'll then write a book about it and tell you how you can be successful like me and invent some shit spewing device of your own. You'll give me your money, sit on your ass and let yourself waste away barely opening page two of my book. Who am I to judge, I'm afraid this will happen to me too.

"I've tried to kill you, the headaches getting worse, wanna poison you with led, bring a 45 you said, get out of my head" - Combichrist

Ego-testical

What does it mean to be a man anymore? Is my car sporty enough? Do I have the biggest balls? Most money? Hottest gal? Maybe the coolest job.

I want to be the modern man. The one who has feelings without forfeiting his moxy. A guy who could kick your ass but not get his hair messed up in the process. There is so much pressure from an early age on to be the "man" of the house and take control.

I want to make enough money to support myself and those around me. I'm not alone in thinking this way and sadly I know I'm one of many who believes a lot of their self-worth stems from their cash flow. It's driven into us at an early age; be successful, be rich and the rest will take care of itself. I wish it was that simple.

Men don't just get muscles and bring home the bacon anymore which is great. I love the dual society of breadmakers, yet the social stigma hasn't gone away. Maybe it's in our genetics. The hunter, provider, the protector. I don't mind a woman paying for me once in a while but in the end I want to be able to pay for everything for everyone. Because of this engrained stigma I'm not sure I can just let go not being able to do that right now.

Aside from that, I need to be every fantasy and every sexual thought of my lover. I don't want to think that there may be some sort of remote attraction for anyone else. I know deep down it's ridiculous but my penis, fingers and tongue need to be able to do the trick. Although I have confidence in these qualities it still fries my nerves to hear someone like my girlfriend think Robert Downey Jr is hot. I know it's silly and jealous but that's how I'm wired. I may not be iron man but I want to be the best flesh for her.

Sex and work go hand in hand for guys. For the most part, if you tell a guy you love what he does he will fuck you or at least want to. I need to feel admired and what better way to feel admired than for a woman to tell you "I love your work." It's like a civic duty to have sex with them after that. Men need to feel praised for their accomplishments. If a guy is a garbageman tell him he's the best trash picker upper this goddamn planet has to offer. That compliment is no different from the smile a woman gets after reading my work, it has the same effect. Sex and work are very similar in many ways. People doing things for and to each other to feel good, feel better and at the end of the day feel accompished.

Besides money and sex I want to be every emotional support I can be for the one I love. If I'm not the dick inside her I want to be the shoulder she can cry on. A heart, an ear, an encouraging embrace, the look in the eye that tells you it will be okay. All these things and more make us the modern man. The multi-dimensional, faceted, personality man with a face for all occasions.

I'm old-fashioned personally. I like pulling out chairs for ladies, helping them with their coat, listening and paying for the evening. It doesn't always work out that way but it's what I strive for.

So yes, I want to be a strong, wealthy, healthy, emotional but not too emotional, libido god who has time to shop for makeup. Having said that, I know why any man might want to be on an anti-depressant. It's so hard to live up to all of those things. Men are simple creatures usually. Women can just show up and impress us. Meanwhile, I work my ass off to try and be everything and more not just because I want to but because you deserve it.

I hurt and I struggle trying to please the stereotype of what modern man should be. Please cut us some slack if money is tight, if I'm emotionally unavailable too or if my dick isn't coming out to play. Sometimes we're so busy mindfucking ourselves we impregnate our brains with standards we don't think we can live up to. Just know our love is there even when we may not be.

Thanks for reading,
Grant V. Ziegler

Inner Thought of a Retail Worker

5:00PM (just getting to work)

"Ok, I can do this. Just 6 hours"

5:30PM (the assignment)
"Why the fuck does my manager want me to do this?"

5:45PM (task accomplished?)

"Fuck it, that's good enough."

6:30PM (the Busy Streak)

"Why the fuck are there so many people in my store and why are they all god awfully fat?"

6:35PM (the realization)

"Good lord these people really are huge!"

7:00PM (end of the Busy Streak)

"I guess this is the type of weather that drives fat people off their fat asses and into my store."

7:15PM (Catching Up)

"Now that the fat people have exited I can do my projects. Irony is my project is to stock candy which only encourages the fatness to ensue."

7:45PM (Stalking)

"I know that douche is going to steal something. He needs to back the hell away from the USB drives soon. I will chase and murder this dude if our alarm goes off on him. I swear to god today will be the day I get fired."

8:00PM (Silence)

"So the alarm didn't go off. I guess he can live another day"

8:30-9:30PM (What now?)

"Finished all my projects so now I'm going to bull shit with my co-workers. GODDAMN KIDS FUCKING UP MY CANDY DISPLAY!!!"

10:00PM (the replanting)

"Freshly stocked Ring Pops and Gobstoppers for more children and fat fucks to consume. Hooray for sugar. I remember when I gave my fiance in kindergarten a ring pop as an engagement ring and then I took back from her when she broke my red crayon. You do not fuck with a man's Red Ninja Turtle Crayon."

10:30PM (Anxiousness)

"30 more fucking minutes! This clock is slower than those fat people from earlier. Why can't fat people eat time and make it go by faster?"

11:00PM (Closing Time)

"Must snipe the asshole in the SUV! Must lock door before he gets inside, we are closed motherfucker!

11:01Pm (Sighs of Relief)

"YES! I beat that smug asshole to the door. What a dick for even trying that shit"

11:10PM (Locking up)

"I really don't want to do a bag check on this girl. Her purse smells like odor of old whore and cigarettes. I don't care if she is stealing just so long as I don't have to smell her baggage o' Whorehouse"

11:15pm (the Greeting)

Girlfriend says "Hey, honey how was your night?"

I say "oh the usual, not so bad. I'm hungry"